


President of the Suburbs! - S04E08 Script (1990)

by Varynova



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcoholism, Casual Sitcom Misogyny, Eugenics, F/F, Fascism, Food, Jane's Mommy Issues, Mind Control, Multi-Camera Sitcom, Trans Character, Xenophobia, casual transphobia, studio audience - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22116451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varynova/pseuds/Varynova
Summary: Jane Crocker and Jasprosesprite^2's hot new sitcom, 'President of the Suburbs!', has taken the basic cable airwaves by storm! Who wouldn't love the zany family comedy of the first couple as they spar on matters of life, love, and skills in the kitchen?'I wish Jane had more screen time,' you say aloud to yourself.  Another finger curls on your sinister SIMIAN DIGIT JUJU.
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Jasprosesprite
Comments: 16
Kudos: 40
Collections: The JaneJasprose Jam!





	President of the Suburbs! - S04E08 Script (1990)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Sofi](https://twitter.com/aslanZounder) for beta-reading this work!

04x08 The Girls’ Night In

FADE IN:

INT. JANE AND JASPROSESPRITE^2'S KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON

JANE stands, and JASPROSESPRITE^2 floats, in front of the spacious semicircular window above their kitchen sink. Plumes of smoke usher from the closed oven, stage left, agitating the pristine flower-print curtains. JANE'S yellow dress, covered in front with her signature black, flour-covered apron, matches the pastel, springtime tone of the wallpaper, and she pitches her head back, face in her hands.

JANE  
You've done it now, snookums!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
(Coquettishly)  
Who, li'l old me?

JANE  
Haven't you learned by now that sticking your silly pink nose into the oven before I've finished  
dinner can only lead to singed whiskers?

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
If your cooking didn't smell so good, honeybunches, I'd never be tempted! I hope I never learn!

They lean together, grinning.

JANE  
Oh, you!

She puts her hands on her hips, smile souring.

JANE  
They'll be here any minute, though! And I promised I'd have dinner ready by five!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
I wouldn't sweat it, Janeypoo! We can have something whipped up by then, and I'm sure we can just  
make do with whatever's around! Not that those two could tell your gourmet eats from a can of chicken  
noodle soup!

JANE  
Now now, dearie! When you say that, it makes our dear guests sound like those dirty, awful trolls!  
Always thieving our pies from the windowsill, and edging out the human population with their  
explosive birthrates! Not that I mind, of course, hoo hoo! :B

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Wrow! And I thought Dirk's biopolitics were tinged with fascistic overtones! :3

Prompt STUDIO AUDIENCE laughter.

There is a knock at the door.

JANE  
Oh? Who could that be? :B

MARTHA STEWART enters. Since the current year is 1990, she looks as GOOD as EVER, incipient 2004 CONVICTION for INSIDER TRADING not hanging like a pall over her head.

JANE JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Martha Stewart!? Meowrtha Stewart!?

Prompt studio audience to wild, uproarious applause.

JANE  
What brings you to our little corner of the Human Kingdom?

MARTHA  
Well, MADAM PRESIDENT-FOR-LIFE, I just happened to be taking a stroll through your lovely suburb,  
looking for wildflowers to inspire a spring arrangement, and I couldn't help but smell the pickle  
you're in!

JANE  
Hah! I bet the fishy smell of burning cat hair and a flaming casserole sent you running!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
And thankfully towards us, not screaming away!

MARTHA laughs.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
(sotto voce)  
Wait, six in the first name, seven in the last... does that mean...?

MARTHA  
That's right! I'm a troll-human hybrid kid! A Strilonde, to be exact!

JANE  
Wow! That sort of degeneracy is a mockery of my species!

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

JANE  
(turning to the audience)  
Martha, I'm glad you're here! That was my dinner up in smoke, and my family will be here any minute!  
Can you do anything to help, with just what's around our kitchen?

MARTHA  
(displaying the magazine's cover)  
Jane, I sure can! Let's see what I can whip up out of my new magazine, Martha Stewart Living, the  
first issue of which will be out next month!

JANE  
Well, just like momma Crocker taught me, I always have a box mix handy for--

MARTHA laughs brightly.

MARTHA  
You mean Betty Crocker, right? If I ever meet that bitch, I'll kill her with her own pitchfork!

JANE  
Um.

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

JANE  
She's already... dead.

MARTHA  
(beaming)  
That's a good thing. I'll have to update my Rolodex. Now, where was I?

MARTHA proceeds to teach the girls how to bake DOUBLE-BAKED GRUYERE-CHIVE SOUFFLES.

JANE  
Goodness me, Martha! You're so talented!

MARTHA  
Don't jump up and down just yet, Jane! Your excitement could deflate my lovely souffles!

JANE  
I bet with your instructions even Jasprose could make a lovely, complicated dish like this!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Wow, so catty tonight! And I thought you were the straight woman in this marriage!

Prompt AUDIENCE to 'ooh'.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
I was never much of one for cookin'! I wish my mama had been nearly so handy with a fork and a bowl as  
yours. Hell, yours even killed me with one! And my ex-wife!

She raises a paw to her mouth, speaking aside to the AUDIENCE.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Remind me to thank her.

JANE  
Yeah, but your mom sure was good with the...

JANE mimics imbibing with a raised hand. MARTHA and JASPROSESPRITE^2 laugh.

JANE  
Glug! Glug! Glug!

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
You're sure one to talk, miss missy! I've seen your tail sticking out of the bottle of cooking sherry  
more times than mew'd let on!

MARTHA  
(helpfully, to the audience)  
Sherry is a useful kitchen staple to brighten up sauces for many fish and beef dishes.

JANE  
(ignoring Martha)  
Ohh, you little sociopath!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
(not looking at Jane)  
Takes one to know one, doesn't it, butterpaws?

JANE  
Like you'd know, little miss blaze-of-glory suicide mission!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Whyioughta! And hey, which suicide mission do you even mean?

JANE  
Does it matter?

BOTH sigh playfully. They each put a hand under their chin and gaze sidelong at the other, heads tilted.

JANE JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Mothers in law! Meowthers in law!

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

The doorbell rings, and the broad, semioval door swings open.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Well, I'd love to continue this little catfight, but there's somebody at the door!

JASPROSESPRITE^2 turns to the door, which is blocking view from the audience.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Well, well! As my forekitties might say, 'uwu, what's this?'

JUNE enters. She throws up her hands in excitement, dressed in a simple blue dress, empire-waisted, with a white sash. Her hair-- down to her shoulders, by now-- is pinned back with simple squarish barrettes, letting her sideswept bangs frame her blocky glasses and darting blue eyes.

JAKE is also there. JUNE grins to the audience, then crosses to hug JANE and JASPROSESPRITE^2 in turn.

JUNE  
grandma! and... cat-grandma-in...-law?

Prompt AUDIENCE applause.

JANE  
June! Darling! It's so good to see you, welcome, and come in! I'm glad you could join us, but you'll  
have to excuse the mess! I would have dinner ready, by now, but somebody here just happened to think  
it was time to sample my ham and green-bean casserole!

JASPROSESPRITE^2 bats a paw, claws extended, and hisses playfully to the audience.

Prompt AUDIENCE to cheer: this is her signature gesture, a CAT-chphrase of sorts.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Don't blame me for that! It smelled deliciously mousy.

JANE  
It would've smelled better if you'd let it finish cooking!

She turns back to JUNE, and ignores JAKE (who is examining the remains of the casserole and silently miming choking).

JANE  
Luckily we had a timely run-in with America's favorite cooking instructor and homemaker!

She gestures to MARTHA, who has donned an apron matching JANE'S, retrieved from a hanger on the fridge. MARTHA waves.

JUNE  
well, golly!

MARTHA  
(gesturing to the souffles as she covers them with a cloth)  
These will be ready after just a short resting time!

JUNE  
(salivating, clearly oblivious)  
gosh, grandma! did you make those?

JANE  
(with a quick glance at Martha)  
Y-yes! Yes, it was me, with no input or assistance from anybody!

JASPROSESPRITE^2 puts her hands on her hips and arches an eyebrow. MARTHA puts a hand to her collarbone as if offended, but laughs along, trading a knowing wink with JANE.

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

JUNE  
(clearly impressed)  
wow! it's funny, we might have the same dad, but you're always showing off so many new skills!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Hmm! Funny meow that works, that you have the same dad and yet are each other's grandmeowthers!  
And the same age, too!

JANE  
We're an abomination of a family, that's for certain!

JUNE  
ectobiology sure is confusing!

JANE  
(grinning)  
And say, ever since you took on that new name, you're more like me than ever! Heck, just one letter away!  
Isn't that great?

JUNE  
(visibly uncomfortable)  
y-yeah. great.

She rubs her upper arm. JAKE eyeballs the souffles during the uncomfortable silence. Suddenly, another knock at the door as JANE turns to the audience.

JANE  
Why, who's this? It's the B-52s!

THE B-52S enter, instruments and all.

THE B-52S  
Hello, Jane! Glad we could pop by to play the president of earth our new hit single, Roam!

They do. The other characters all move away from the front of the soundstage, and stage lights come up on the musicians (as well as to light up the cheering AUDIENCE during the transition).

When their song finishes:

MALE NARRATOR (V.O.)  
We'll be right back after these messages!

FADE OUT.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

FADE IN:

INT. JANE AND JASPROSESPRITE^2'S KITCHEN - EARLY EVENING

The oven smoke has subsided, and we see the upended casserole dish in the kitchen trash can, stage right. MARTHA holds a red gingham cloth previously covering the six ceramic ramekins, a huge, perfect individual souffle mushrooming over each.

MARTHA  
I really do recommend them with a glass of imported Italian white wine and a main dish of chicken,  
perhaps in a white sauce, or a béchamel!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Ooh, no wine for me, thanks! I'm a recovering yowlcoholic!

MARTHA laughs. Meanwhile, JANE is standing alone, stage right. She sniffles loudly, and the cameras follow JASPROSESPRITE^2 as she crosses to JANE, putting her hands on her shoulders from behind. MARTHA waves to the audience and exits stage left; pause for applause.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
(trilling softly)  
What's mrr-wrong, sweets?

JANE  
I'm just sad because... Now I won't have time to make delicious cookies for any of my family, and if  
they figure out Martha made those lovely souffles, they'll all think I messed up dinner and had to be  
shown up by my company's no-shortcuts competitor!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Aww, cookietits! You don't have to be responsible for feeding and mothering the whole world! I'm sure  
they won't blame you for not being perfect. You're just right for me, my perfect little authoritarian.

JANE  
(turning)  
That's just it! This is exactly the paradise I always wanted, and I would know because it's shaped to  
my every desire! So why does it feel like I'm just dragging the rest of you along with my cockamamie,  
rather than really letting myself indulge in any of the good times?

She glances around.

JANE  
And why is my ideal life just being somebody's housewife!?

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Have you considered being less demanding of yourself? Mew'll live longer if you can learn to go with  
the flow rather than trying to solve everybody's problems by conforming to their expectations of you.  
Bet you'd resent them less, too, and who knows? They might even come to enjoy this supernal little game.

JANE  
Great. Now the Stepford Catgirl is going to preach to me.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Mrr, what?

JANE  
Never mind.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Well, as I was saying, if you buy into the idea that you have to fix the whole world, you'll just end up  
wanting to burn it down instead.

JANE  
Next you'll say I can't be president!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
You already ARE, muffin!

JANE  
(slapping her forehead)  
D'oh, how'd I forget?

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

JUNE joins them, holding an empty ramekin. JANE takes it from her.

JUNE  
well, martha's gone home! she said to thank you for giving her 'those tips', but then she winked at me?  
i'm confused.

JANE  
(laughing)  
And how was the food? Satisfactory, I trust? :B

JUNE  
(rubbing her stomach)  
yum, yum! perfect as always, gran-gran!

JANE  
(beaming)  
Of course it was! I made it, how could it not be?

JUNE  
how i wish i could learn to bake like you! even dad never made anything this good!

JANE  
(chuckling)  
At least you're halfway there!

She elbows JUNE, who suddenly takes her meaning.

JUNE  
(downcast)  
i wish you wouldn't say things like that.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Hey, we've worked hard to accommodate you! When you decided you were trans, and had your third-tooth-ectomy--

JUNE blushes, face screwing up with rage.

JUNE  
that's another thing!! i know you, cat rose sprite, and you would never talk like that, because you're rose  
and rose wouldn't say anything nearly that awful to me! 'decided'??

JANE  
(saccharine but insistent)  
Jasprose, darling, could you please not fight with my ectogranddaughter on such a lovely, domestic evening?

JANE clenches her teeth.

JANE  
And June, sweetheart, sugarpie, please likewise refrain from making this little gettogether into just  
another pity party that is all about you, and everything that you wish the universe would hand to  
you on a demure little silver platter. Trust me, we all feel that way about something or another, but  
perhaps you'll let me have just one night to savor living in a reality rather than merely bouncing  
between them at my whims? :B

JUNE  
(chastened)  
and this isn't you doing exactly what you're scolding me for? this whole production isn't a 'pity party'?

JANE  
Now, now! If anyone but Dirk and myself had any level of competence, I'd be happy to share the  
spotlight! But as grandma knows best, perhaps you ought to let me show it off!

JUNE  
ooooh!! make fun of my competence all you want, but you forgot somebody! you said the whole family  
would be here, but where is jade!?

JANE  
(flatly)  
Jade? Jade who?

Prompt AUDIENCE laughter.

JUNE  
you know who you sound like right now?

JANE  
(coldly)  
Maybe she had the right idea.

She clicks her tongue. A spotlight illuminates her, and JUNE and JASPROSESPRITE^2 drop back, heads down.

JANE  
This is exactly why I took control. I knew nobody else could handle it, and so what if I was miserable?  
After all, maybe the home life--with a wife, guest stars, the burnt casseroles, the family dinners--  
isn't so bad, or at least it's a worthy price to pay for not just being... disappointed all the time.

She pulls out a pocket compact from the front of her apron, checking her cherry-red lipstick, adjusting her bangs, and pushing her glasses up her nose.

JANE  
After all, isn't accommodating your every desire just what best friends are for?

She jerks a dismissive thumb towards JAKE, frozen in time wolfing down a second souffle.

JANE  
I bet you think I mean that himbo. Luckily, I've found I can just ignore him. Best seen, not  
heard, and why would I tolerate all his eccentricities when I've got her?

JANE sighs.

JANE  
It isn't like that. This is a family show, remember? Just feel lucky I didn't reintroduce you to Tavros.

She shakes her head.

JANE  
Well, I have Roxy to thank for the whole idea. After all, she proved that somebody could still see me as a  
good person after my meteoric rise to power, so why shouldn't I just take it a mite further? Oh, and Dirk  
helped, of course. He was more than obliging to figure out how to reverse my Tiaratop's functionality  
and make it project my mind outward, rather than letting another mind in. Didn't protect him, though.

JANE smiles.

JANE  
He thought collaboration might save him. But it never does, does it?

She steps back into position with the other two, and the spotlight gives way to full scene lighting again. JUNE steps up to hug her.

JANE  
Now, now. I can make it all better, you just have to let me.

JUNE  
(apologetically)  
yes, grandma. of course, grandma.

JANE  
There's a good girl.

JANE turns to JASPROSESPRITE^2 as the hug ends.

JANE  
Say it. I know you're thinking it, because I know what everyone is thinking, so just say it.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
So long as I don't get chucked out in the rain for it.

JANE crosses her arms, waiting. JUNE begins to stare off into space, seemingly unable to perceive them.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Fine. As an ultimate spriteself, unbounded from the rules of the single and unitary mind necessary for  
total domination by mind-control nyantics, I suppose with all this copious free will I've still got  
that I ought to point out that you've changed yourself just as much as you've remolded the whole world,  
and it's not making you any happier.

JANE  
Of course it isn't! But I-I had no choice. It was this, or sit around, pretending to live an  
inconsequential, mortal life like the rest of our friends!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Were those your only options, though? Mediocrity or world domination?

JANE  
Hrmph. And hey, why are you still playing along if the mind control hasn't taken you over?

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Because I decided I didn't want to see you try again, in case it turned me into a twice-baked potato like  
you've made out of the rest of the population of Earth-C. Plus, I get to kiss you, so...

JANE  
That's it? You just wanted to see what would happen, and knew you'd get to bump uglies in the meantime?

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Yikes, doll! We're still on air. And yeah, I suppose. I have no mouth, and I must yowl.

JANE sighs.

JANE  
So what can I do? If I can't fix the flaws that got me into this situation in the first place, will I  
ever find my way out of it? Worse, must everyone else simply suffer for my inability to trust them, if  
love isn't enough on its own?

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
I'd hate to suggest something so flippant as a 'redemption arc'. But look at it this way: at least this  
is an offshoot, right? An unlucky timeline where you never learned to stop living on that pedestal of  
yours before you did some real damage. But if I can get through to you here--and inside the length  
of a twenty-two minute sitcom episode, no less--then there's hope for other versions of you to find  
your way back to your friends and to relearn their worth before you trail off into fascism permanently.

JANE  
I... Thank you, Jasprose. I'm sorry, for all this. Thank you for still seeing the good in me.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Now let Juney free, would you? You sure as heck can't untangle this wet hairball of a timeline, but the  
least you can do is see everyone else off happily.

Both girls take a deep breath. JUNE abruptly laughs, as if remembering the world's best joke, and JASPROSESPRITE^2 floats over to JANE exuberantly.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Oh, Janey! I'm sorry for sacrificing the stability and clarity of a simplistic societal narrative for  
one of conflict between our two material realities. I'm ready to accept you for who you are, warts and all!

JANE  
D'aww! C'mere, you tentacle-faced abomination, who's also my wife!

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Yesss, madam purr-esident!

They embrace.

Prompt AUDIENCE to 'aww'.

JASPROSESPRITE^2  
Now, you c'mere, and give this pretty kitty a little sugar!

She takes JANE'S cheeks between her paws, and kisses her on the lips.

Prompt AUDIENCE to cheer at the raunchy display. (As though they wouldn't regardless.)

JANE  
(to audience)  
That's our show!

MALE NARRATOR (V.O.)  
Join us next week, when Jane and Jasprose will visit the Harlem Globetrotters! Featuring special  
musical guest, LL-Cool-J!

MARTHA and JAKE rejoin them to take their bows to a standing ovation from the entire audience.

The show's usual outro music, a saxophone-heavy vamp, engulfs the cheering. JANE waves to the camera as it pulls back to show the standing crowd and the line of players onstage.

FADE OUT.


End file.
